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Lexapro Dreams

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Meta Dreaming [Wednesday, the 5th of September, 2007]

I had this pretty crazy dream a few weeks ago that actually gave me a panic attack in my sleep.

It's peculiar because that's how this dream begins. I wake up from some unsettling dream and I'm having a panic attack. To make matters worse, I can't calm down after I wake up because I discover that my room is a horrible mess. There are papers, folders and books strewn about as if someone had trashed the place. I'm not a particularly neat person, but waking up with this chaotic sense of disorder is very distressing. I'm also dumbfounded as to where all of this stuff came from . . . it wasn't there when I went to bed.

I get out of bed and kneel down on the floor to examine some of the items more closely. As I pick up some sheets of paper I know what the handwriting says even before I read it.

These are my thoughts. My memories. My experiences. But none of this makes any sense, everything is out of order and out of context. I start trying to sort and categorize the mess, but there are too many pieces and every time I begin with one area I am distracted by another. And then something in particular catches my eye . . . it is a drawing of an adventuring party sketched by one of my friends. It stands out because it is one of the few items not in my own handwriting. As I pick it up a sense of absurdity begins to sink in. I haven't seen this person for nearly 20 years, yet for some reason I am sure I just saw them the other day.

I begin to realize that I'm not in the right time. This was my room when I was 18 or 19, but it also my room right now. Simultaneously holding both perceptions of myself is very confusing. I am absolutely certain I am conscious and awake . . . everything I touch and examine feels real. I have all the sensations of being fully awake and fully aware.

Suddenly I hear voices coming from the adjoining room. I don't recognize who it is and I can't really make out what is being said. I walk over to the door, which is closed and then I notice there is no doorknob. How am I supposed to get out? For a long time I just stand there, unsure of what to do. I want to pace around my room, but I'm afraid of tripping over my thoughts and memories. After a while I realize that I can probably reach under the door and get a hold with my fingers . . .

I slowly open the door and peek out into the living room. There are a number of people sitting around having some sort of conversation, but I have no idea who they are. They don't seem to notice me, but I'm going to have to walk right through the middle of their conversation to get to the other side of the house. I work up my nerve and walk quickly out towards the center of the room. I keep my eyes lowered to the floor, but I can feel everyone staring at me. The voices become a deafening roar and it feels like something heavy is pressing against my chest as I make my way across the room. Time seems to slow down to a crawl and the room seems much longer than I remember. I realize I am still having a panic attack.

Somehow I make it to the other side of the house and it is deserted and quiet. I am grateful, but I can't seem to calm down. I am sweating profusely. I head towards the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. As I reach for a towel to dry off, I notice something odd with the side of one of the lower cabinets, but I can't exactly describe it. The texture of the material is wrong, and the longer I stare at it the more it begins to resemble pitch black empty space. I kneel down and reach out with my hand to touch it and honestly expect my hand to pass into it like it has some sort of hidden depth. It doesn't though, and it feels smooth and cold like glass. I stand up to hang up the towel and notice my reflection in the mirror. I look transparent. Curious, I reach out to touch the mirror, but my hand passes right through it. My reflection wavers. I waver. I doubt the sincerity of my own existence.

"This isn't real" I say, and then I wake up and I'm having a panic attack.

Scared [Friday, the 24th of August, 2007]

I'm sorry if this is wrong for this community.. I just got a sample pack of lexapro, prescription in 2 wks.. and i'm really scared.  I don't get anxiety attacks, I'm not depressed or suicidal. I'm getting lexapro as a mood stabilizer. I am moody, I have mood swings, violent outbursts, I can't control my temper. I'm down on my life right now about college, friends, etc but I know things will get better eventually once I fix my shit.. Lexapro sounds like serious stuff and I don't know if it's what I need. But my social worker and the pyschiatrist have recommended it as just a general mood stablizer. I went on a message board where basically 20+ people were talking about how they gained 20-25lbs on it, getting off it was terrible, and lots of scary things. I can deal with some side affects, I mean I've taken some pills recreationally before, but those are not side effects I want to deal with. Any opinions? Any positive or negatives on Lexapro? Is everyone who is on it very anxious or very depressed? Do you wish you never went on it? Are you glad? Thanks <3

[Wednesday, the 22nd of August, 2007]

I dreamt SHE gave me an STD.

good imaginations. [Friday, the 10th of August, 2007]

[ mood | amused ]

I dreamt I achieved Nirvana and, when i came back from flying through the universe as an entity, every shirt in my closet was a stone cold steve austin shirt.

I also dreamt that my friend Caleb and i were in NYC, standing on a large mat in the middle of times square wearing bus driver hats. we told people to get on, but they wouldn't, and when i acted like i was stepping on the gas, it moved forward. they got on board after seeing it could move, and caleb took their bus fares. when they asked us how it moved, caleb and i said that we had good imaginations.

"sometimes the kitty gets an itch the cat can't scratch." [Thursday, the 2nd of August, 2007]

[ mood | thoughtful ]

Earlier this summer, I worked on a towboat for 20 days. One evening, while out on the barges, I was talking to the 2nd mate, Nubbs.

Nubbs asks me if I have a girl back home waiting on me. I tell him yeah. He says "be careful, sometimes the kitty gets an itch the cat can't scratch."

so, i started having these dreams while out on the water that the girl i was seeing was fooling around with her ex. this happened a few nights in a row.

i get back and, a couple days later, she drops me for him. we got back together awhile ago and, a few weeks ago, i asked her if she fooled around while i was on the tow.

she said yes.

touch [Wednesday, the 1st of August, 2007]

[ mood | thoughtful ]

I keep having dreams about my ex girlfriend. They're romantic ones and, even in my dreams, when i want to move in and touch her, i don't. she has a boyfriend.

i thought i was over her.

horrible [Wednesday, the 18th of July, 2007]

[ mood | bitchy ]

last night, i dreamt i was in a concentration camp. it was horrible.

why am i already territorial? [Saturday, the 7th of April, 2007]

[ mood | lonely ]

first, i dreamt she was fucking 2 guys while i was here. then, i dreamt she left me for my ex. i wanted to cry both times, but couldn't.

why am i already territorial? geezus fucking christ i'm lonely.

[Thursday, the 22nd of February, 2007]

I've started having my tidal wave nightmares again.

I've been having these nightmares for years now. They come and go, but when I have them, they're recurring.

My worst fear is to be in a tidal wave. This fear has been instilled in my brain for a very long time, way before the horrible catastrophe in Asia happened.

In my dreams, I'm usually away from the beach, but I can see the tidal wave coming. A few times in the past two weeks, I've woken up before the wave reaches me. In the past, I used to have the same dream that I was on the beach and the wave would crash over me and I couldn't get away from it.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in a house and it was on the beach. I was standing in front of a door that had glass windows on it. The wave came and the water bursted through the windows. Then I saw the water coming down the steps and I was basically in an air pocket. I climbed through the windows and got out of the house before I got trapped. But the whole time I was calling for my father.

3. [Thursday, the 22nd of February, 2007]

[ mood | uncomfortable ]

I had a dream that my dad died and my brother and I were mourning. We ended up fighting, blaming each other over the death. My brother and I never fight. I couldn't stop crying, and I hated him for hating me. I felt guilty as fuck for my dad.

Then, i dreamt i was at a party with all my friends, and one of my best friend's girlfriends was giving me head. He knew. he even gave her pointers before she entered the room and jumped me. I felt raped and guilty. and weak, for her being able to get to me.

then i dreamt i was at a brothel. the girl i have a crush on was there as a concubine. They treated me like an insignificant piece of shit while they toyed with me, and i felt used, worthless, and pathetic. they made me feel like the worst lover anyone's ever had.

i think my subconscious is telling me a) you need to spend more time with your dad, b) you feel guilty for all of that, c) you need to get laid, and d) you're uncomfortable with sex.

none of them were BAD dreams, per se, they were just... awkward, uncomfortable dreams. i squirmed in my sleep.

"Yeah, you might see me down there later. i gotta like, wave to my subjects and all first." [Wednesday, the 31st of January, 2007]

[ mood | curious ]

I had a dream the other night that Nutter, this guy on my floor, was a socialist dictator.

I walked out of my dorm and saw Nutter outside in the stairwell dressed in a military uniform and went out to say hello. when i walked outside, i realized he was standing on a balcony waving and the masses of adoring citizens. there were streamers everywhere and bands playing anthems and everyone was wearing red or black.

i stopped and said "hey, what's going on?"

he replied, "nothing much, you?" like it was normal. i think he was wearing a beret.

"nothin'." i stood, deadfaced, wondering what the fuck was going on.

"Hey, you goin to the gym later?"


"Yeah, you might see me down there later. i gotta like, wave to my subjects and all first."

"yeah, i understand."

"man, i could really go for some grapes about now."

"yeah, those would be pretty good."

"yeah. oh well, later!" he turned and i saw him giving an impassioned speech to a legion of saluting people as i walked away.

that was my first night on lexapro after a good while.

I am not my vocal cords, but i am my voice. [Wednesday, the 24th of January, 2007]

[ mood | thoughtful ]

last night, i dreamed that i was in a huge store and a few of my friends started a fire. they got the fire under control, but the owner of the store called me to his office. in his office, he told me that i was under arrest for arson, and that i couldn't get away because he had found a (published) copy of this livejournal. i remember looking at this child he was holding the entire time that was sickly white as snow, as if he was covered in burn scar tissue. i played with the baby as he spoke, and i was happy. he was ticklish.

the owner cited everything i've ever done wrong in my life and i was sorely ashamed. i felt as if i was standing before G-d. who knows, maybe i was.

when he was done berating me, i turned behind me. todd and all my friends where there. i told them exactly how i wanted everything to be carried out quickly.

edit this so only clean, complete thoughts are in it. take out all the petty shit. publish it.
assemble a team of writers to edit and finish more and more curious. heather and emily head it.
give my art book to madison.
give my photos to mom.
all my clothes and everything else go to todd.
i want a birthday for a funeral. cake and ice cream and party favors.

and some other things. the minute i was finished telling them what i wanted, they were gone. i turned back to the owner of the store and said every meaningful thing i've ever written in my life out loud.

I am not my vocal cords, but i am my voice.

then, i pulled out a gun, put it to my head, and pulled the trigger. i have no. fucking. clue. why i dreamed this.

surprisingly, it wasn't all that of a bad dream. it wasn't intense or sad or angry. it was just an objective documentary. i woke up curious and interested, though slightly shaken. i always die in my dreams.

i don't even know if i can blame this one on lexapro or not.

[Friday, the 12th of January, 2007]

[ mood | annoyed ]

I had stopped taking Lexapro for about four months, up until my boyfriend of two years and I suddenly split up. Since then I have been seeing a boy I work with, but because the ex and I have been communicating and talking about trying again, I'm torn between the two.

Last month, I started the medicine again, and night before last, I had a dream about these confusing circumstances. Every day I'm exhausted from the mental drama. In this dream, instead of chosing between the two of them, someone new and different showed up that I fell completely in love with and forgot the both of them.

Granted, this wasn't exactly strange, but it was extremely vivid and...unsettling.

This place needed a new update. How is everyone?

watched my blood melt the snow around me. [Friday, the 24th of November, 2006]

[ mood | thoughtful ]

i dreamt i ran out of a cabin and into this snowy forest last night, trying to get away. i pulled a rifle out when i realized i couldn't escape whatever was chasing me and pulled the trigger with my big toe. i fell against a stump and watched my blood melt the snow around me. when i woke up, i was out of my bed, across my room, and laying with my back against my door, just like the stump.

changed. [Wednesday, the 8th of November, 2006]

[ mood | ***1/2 ]

My prescription has changed to Efexor. Anyone been on this before?

never what you wanted. [Saturday, the 28th of October, 2006]

I just started taking Lexapro, and until this afternoon, I had trouble remembering my dreams. This afternoon I had at least three that I can remember vivid details from. I woke up from all three feeling nauseous and unsettled.

The first put me in the situation where I had a large pimple on the side of my face that hurt so badly the pain woke me up, and I still felt it.

The second put me in the situation where I confronted my boyfriend about a situation we're going through, and I compared him to the guilty party of a similar situation that he and I witnessed from last year. I woke up incredibly upset and worried from that drea.

The third put me again in a situation with my boyfriend where he described to me how he was getting ready to go and visit with another girl. All I can remember is that I sat, silently fuming and wanting to cry and lash out at him, telling him that it was all wrong. That it shouldn't be me that has to deal with this. But I sat silently, and ate applesauce. I woke up irritable.

Things are not well.

television [Monday, the 2nd of October, 2006]

this isn't much of a nightmare, but an confusing dream i had last night that made me wake up and yell at my boyfriend...

i had this dream that my boyfriend kept insisting on making this huge old fashioned consol television our monitor for the computer. the dream was so vivid and i got really frustrated because i kept saying, "i can't find the usb port!" and he was saying, "it's there, you're just not looking!"

i woke up feeling aggitated. very aggitated.

end up like him [Wednesday, the 27th of September, 2006]

[ mood | 1/2 ]

So I've got this friend up in Darwin, called Alex. He used to be a reasonable guy but now too many drugs and stuff have spazzed him out and he is a bit of a nutcase now, going in and out of mental health wards and so forth. I had this dream that involved him.

So I'm walking down the street and I see him and he is all crazy and stuff, twitching like he does and he is going "Jacki, Jacki, you're going to end up like me Jacki". I tried to sort of argue with him that I wasn't but I was thinking yeah I really am going to end up like this guy. Boy that was a tough dream.

stupid [Monday, the 25th of September, 2006]

[ mood | ** ]

I was walking down this strip in the city with a couple of friends. They were completely blind and I was sober. We're walking past this club and one my mates has an altercation with the bouncer and knocks him out. The punch was deafening. Then the other bouncer goes for him and he knocks him out and then a third and he knocks him out. So three guys are lying on the ground convulsing and I'm thinking lets get the hell out of here. We go downstairs into some bar and there is some guy there who has a go at me. I punch him but nothing happens. He doesn't even notice. This goes on for a while and then something happens which I can't quite remember.

Great dream really.

human tears from a wolf's eyes [Saturday, the 23rd of September, 2006]

[ mood | uncomfortable ]

a dream last night really, really bothered me.

i was in this large place, like a YMCA or my Highschool afterhours. i think it was a lock in, and all of the people i know my own age were invited. The dream started, at first, with a slight feeling of uncomfort, graduated into anxiety, and finally into sheer panic. i was slowly losing control of my body.

i was in a room with a bunch of people, but escaped to be by myself to deal with this horrible feeling. i went into a courtyard that i thought was unoccupied, but it turned out this girl from my creative writing class was in there. when i saw her, this feeling came over me and i couldn't control myself. a shovel was laying nearby and i killed her with it. i started freaking out, for i saw what i had done and i couldn't help it. it was like someone was controlling my body but i still had control of my emotions.

her body was chopped up by the blade of the shovel, held by hands that were no longer in my possession. then, i buried the pieces under some bricks in the corner. i remember looking at my hands and noticing that they were more hairy than usual.

i continued in this way, seeking out solitary people, killing them, realizing what i had done, freaking out. doing something to hide the body, noticing that some sort of my body was different.

looked in a mirror in the bathroom after slamming the stall door into someone's head over and over again, i had black eyes. looked down at my hands after i strangled someone to death, i had longer fingers than usual. after wiping blood off of my face in the kitchen, i noticed there was more hair on my face...

i ran into a room full of people and started screaming and crying. everyone thought i was on drugs or told me that i should have been taking my lexapro, or talked about calling the ambulance for me. i remember punching holes in the floor, crying, rolling on the floor, kicking at everyone who tried to come near me.

then, i ran into a room where i knew my brother was sitting by himself. i started crying as i slowly walked towards him because i knew what i was about to do.

i looked him in the eyes and my knees and elbows snapped backwards. i took a step forward and grew a snout. my ears became elongated as my tailbone extended of its own accord. when i stepped over him, i was a salivating monster, crying human tears from a wolf's eyes.

i felt a growl escape my throat as i got ready to pounce, but just as i leapt, the door burst open. there, standing in the light, was my grandfather with a knife my brother and i had designed but he had made. it had an intricate design that looked like roots crawling up the hilt, and the blade was silver. he jumped in the way and stabbed me with it, and, as i landed, i turned back into a human.

i remember looking up at my brother and grandfather with tear-filled eyes as a pool of blood formed around my face, around my mouth, covering the right side of my face. it all got dark and, seconds later, i woke up.

i was in a pool of my own drool, sweating.

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